Privacy? Do One.

Although it may be hard to believe, but when I first graduated from Luton Polytechnic with an Ordinary in Remedial Criminology, advertising was not my chosen career path. My degree had taught me many skills, such as starting grassroots nationalist organisations in the local area, casino money laundering and dusting for blood. So I was immediately headhunted for a position at the News of the World, who said my attributes were ideal for an editorial role.

The following years were like a beautiful dream; Paedo lynch-mobs, games of H-O-R-S-E with Rupert, veal and foie-gras tasting with Rebekah. That’s not even mentioning the first class journalism I presided over, churning out groundbreaking headlines on a daily basis: ‘KATE MCCANN YOU DIG IT?’ ‘ENGLAND 5 GERMANY-1: U-BOAT-ER BELIEVE IT FRITZ’ and the magnum opus that was my weekly editorial, ‘ISLAM? DO ONE.’

Although I was asked to leave following my indictment by the state of California for sending washing detergent in sealed envelopes to Jane Fonda’s house in the days after 9/11, the paper has always held a special place in my heart, and it saddens me that it has had to close due to the recent allegations. For are we not all guilty of innocent encroachments in to the private lives of others at some point in the past? Can you honestly say you’ve never called an ex-flame from a payphone, to silently listen to their perplexed tones, convinced that they’ll hear your racing heart beat through your chest as you begin to pass out from instinctively holding your breath, only to then stand outside their house and watch her new boyfriend play with your children whom you are forbidden from contacting, until you crumple to the ground in tears, staying there until passers by begin to throw change at you. I doubt it. Newspaper phone hacking is just as harmless, and probably results in less bloodshed.

I recently attended my bi-monthly Masonic interest social gathering, where we were treated to a performance of Mozart’s The Magic Flute. Rebekah Brooks played the Queen of the Night while wearing a cut-out of Sally Dowler’s face. Unfortunately she can’t sing a note, and no one had the CD to play in the background, but I saved the day by putting on my ad for Haribo’s Tangfastics. A good time was had by all, especially Rupert, who showed up halfway through. I took the opportunity to probe him about the recent allegations, and as he’s been a colleague and friend of mine for an age, not to mention the godfather to my estranged children, I was going to pull no punches regarding the hacking scandal. What follows is a transcript of the revelatory interview:

DR: So Rupert, you’re one of the richest and most powerful men alive, do you ever get a chance to slow down?

RM: Never. Most days I’m up well before noon. Then it’s off with my trainer to walk for a bit along the Serpentine. I return home and immediately get straight in my Maybach and sit in it while it’s parked outside my front gate. This is so the paps can snap away as I pretend to read the Sun and the News of the World at the same time.

DR: You mentioned you train in Hyde Park. Do you ever worry that you’ll be accosted by the fawning proletariat, desperate to touch the hem of your garment, revering you as a sort of Christ-like figure?

RM: There’s no doubt that there is a security issue, and as you get near Marble-Arch there’s definitely heaps of Arabs all over the shop. I have a duo of highly trained security Alsatians for protection, Blondie II and Blondie III. They’re fluent in every language, which means they attack anything they hear that’s not speaking English.

DR: Lately, there’s been several shots of you pacing along as an attractive reporter asks you a question, to which you give a succinct, one word answer. Do you think you could do one for me now?

RM: A one word answer?

DR: Yes.

RM: Sure.

DR: Thanks. That was great.

DR: Some people, but not me, say that many of the companies you own manipulate the truth, and simply preach partisan rhetoric and inflammatory ideas. Although it even says that it is ‘fair and balanced news’ many people cite Fox News as a major problem.

RM: Look, at Fox News we give the people the facts they want, not necessarily the facts they need. They’re still facts though aren’t they?

DR: Lastly, did you ever send Milly Dowler’s parents any saucy texts?

RM: Let’s just say that’s inadmissible evidence! (laughs)

At this point I was escorted out of the building by Brooks’ ex, Ross Kemp, only to wake up on Clapham Common with passers by throwing change at me.